MMMMM----- Recipe via Meal-Master (tm) v8.06

Title: Western Fruit Cake
Categories: Cakes
Yield: 1 Cake

1 c Butter
1 c Sugar
4 Eggs
2 c Flour; sifted
1 1/2 ts Baking powder
1/2 ts Salt
8 1/4 oz Can crushed pineapple
2 c Mixed candied fruits
- (16 oz)
1 1/2 c Dried figs (12 oz); diced
1 c White raisins
1 c Red glace cherries (8 oz)
2 c Oregon hazelnuts;
- roasted, chopped

Cream butter with sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a
time, beating well after each addition. Sift together 1-2/3 cups
flour, baking powder, and salt. Drain pineapple, reserving syrup. Mix
together drained pineapple and other fruits, the nuts and remaining
1/3 cup flour. Stir sifted ingredients into creamed mixture
alternately with pineapple syrup; fold into floured fruit mixture.
Turn into 9" springform or 10" tube pan lined with a double thickness
of greased, browned paper. Bake in a 300?F oven for 2-3/4 hours, or
until cake tests done. Cool 30 minutes; remove from pan and cool
completely. If cake is to be stored, wrap tightly. If desired, before
serving, top with a glaze made with confectioners sugar and pineapple
juice or brandy.

Recipe by Dundee Hazelnuts

Recipe FROM: <https://web.archive.org/web/20010826132302/
http://www.teleport.com/~nuts/cakes.html>

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Ben Collver wrote to All <=-

Title: Western Fruit Cake

You reminded me of this "recipe" I found on the Internet (I need to MM it):

The "Doorstop & Weaponry" Fruitcake Parody
Prep time: 30 minutes | Bake time: 3 hours | Shelf Life: 400 years

Ingredients:

4 lbs of assorted "fruit" (which is actually just glowing, radioactive neon-green and red cubes of unknown origin)
2 cups of flour (mostly for binding the fruit together, like concrete)
1 cup of pure, unadulterated existential dread bottle of the cheapest brandy you can find at the package store
3 dozen heavy-duty pecans or walnuts (for structural integrity)
1 cup butter
1 cup dark brown sugar
4 large eggs
Heavy-duty duct tape and cement (optional)

Instructions:

The "Fruit" Prep: In a bowl, toss the neon fruit cubes in the brandy. Let
it sit until you question your life choices. The longer it sits, the more
it absorbs the alcohol.

The Cement: Cream the butter and sugar in a large bowl. Add the eggs one at
a time, pretending it's your sanity slipping away during the holidays.

Mix-in: Fold the flour and the soaked fruit into the batter. If your wooden spoon snaps, it means you're doing it right. You are now making a loaf
capable of stopping a speeding locomotive.

Bake: Pour into a greased pan. Bake low and slow at 250F for 3 hours. Your kitchen will smell vaguely of cinnamon and a pub floor.

The Healing Process: Once baked, turn it out and immediately drown it in
more brandy. Wrap tightly in cheesecloth, then foil, and store it in a dark closet.

Aging: "Feed" it with more alcohol every week. By Christmas next year, it
will be 40% fruit, 40% booze, and 20% hardened sugar.

Serving: Slice using a serrated bread knife and a pair of safety goggles.
If you don't eat it, it can be passed down to your great-grandchildren as an heirloom or used for home defense.

-- Sean

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Re: Re: Western Fruit Cake
By: Sean Dennis to Ben Collver on Tue Jun 09 2026 07:50 pm

Hi Sean,

Title: Western Fruit Cake

You reminded me of this "recipe" I found on the Internet...

The "Doorstop & Weaponry" Fruitcake Parody
The Cement: Cream the butter and sugar in a large bowl. Add the eggs...

LOL! I know people make jokes about it, but i actually like fruitcake.

MMMMM----- Recipe via Meal-Master (tm) v8.01

Title: Octopus Salad
Categories: Australian, Salads
Yield: 6 Servings

1 Text Only

Ain't a bit of squid here! Instead we fall back on the squid's
digitally impaired cousin, the octopus... The author of the
original article, Meryl Constance, cautions buyers to make sure
that the octopi one buys are pre-tenderized. She notes that
traditional Australian methods for tenderizing octopi include using
rocks, bricks, cement mixers, and even washing machines. No
kiddin'!

Raw Materials first encountered this salad in Argentina, where it
could be bought from top-flight delicatessen counters for an
instant picnic. The pink of the octopus pieces with the green of
the herbs makes this a very pretty salad.

Prepare a 2 to 3 kg octopus and precook it. (See note below. -S.C.)

While it is cooking, whisk together in a glass bowl 300 ml good
olive oil, the juice of 1 or 2 lemons (taste and stop when the
balance is right), salt, pepper, and generous amounts of finely
chopped garlic, shallots, chives, and parsley. The dressing should
be thick with the herbs. When the octopus is tender, drain it, cut
it up into generous chunks and, while it is still warm, fold it
into the dressing. Serve the salad at room temperature, with plenty
of crusty bread.

Note:

Chances are if you buy your cephalopod in a supermar-ket in the US
it will already be cooked. If not, follow these steps from earlier
in the article...

"Cut through the head/body above and below the eyes. Discard this
section. Slit the back of the head and turn it inside out,
discarding all the contents, unless you want to keep the ink sac
for a particular recipe. Push the beak (in the center of the star
of tentacles) through and out... Skinning is quite unnecessary and
very fiddly. If you prefer to do so, it is much easier after
cooking than before.

A large octopus needs precooking for many dishes. Put it in a
saucepan and just cover with lightly salted water. Simmer gently
until the point of a knife slides easily into the meat--maybe
1 hour, maybe longer.

The deep mauve stock which results need not be discarded when you
drain the octopus. It is very rich (in fact, it will often set to a
jelly in the refrigerator) and makes a wonderful soup..."

Recipe by Meryl Constance

Recipe FROM: The Sydney Morning Herald, Mar 2, 1993

Posted by: Stephen Ceideburg

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