What to do in an emergency in the year 2003

If you have set yourself on file, do not run	If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.	If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.	If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.	Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!	The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water, and at least one (1) armless hand	Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuck away.
Hurricanes, animal corpses, and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.	Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together maniacally.	If a door is closed, karate chop it open.	Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.
After exposure to radiation, it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions. Watch your head.	If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.	If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton, or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.	If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.	If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.	Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.	A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you’ll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.